I am as blue collar as it gets, except for the puffy hair, makeup and assless chaps. You think they wash these microphones on tour? Pfft. I don’t really know what else I have to say to convince you that I’ll be there for you. Also, today I have to go to my cousin’s house and then we have a show at nine, so you’re on your own. I wash my hands of all past mistakes and I guarantee nothing when it comes to the future. I hope you are enjoying your ride on the Bon Jovi excuse train. That time we went to the county fair and you dropped your Toasted Almond bar on my crotch? I stuffed that time in my closet next to my slippers. I know you know we’ve had some good times That’s probably as close as any words have come to nailing what love is all about. Although I just tried, and some of the words I used involved me stealing the sun from the sky. What’s that sky? You want a piece of me? I don’t think so! I’ll lasso that sun with the complimentary rope they gave me from “Young Guns.” But hey -– when the rest of life in this galaxy becomes unsustainable because of your bizarre and selfish demands, don’t blame me. And that shizz is like a million degrees or something. I can't really die for you, because then I wouldn’t be there for you, right? Hmmm? Exactly. Bon Jovi air tastes like Aqua Net and tube socks, so it’s pretty much the best air around. When you breathe I want to be the air for you Kelly album and I didn’t want people getting confused. And I didn’t want to say “these six words” because “six” sound like “sex,” and “Sex Words” is the name of a new R. I had to combine “I” and “will” though to form a contraction, or else it would have been six words. That’s why I’m Bon Jovi and you’re just some person. And you won’t even save me! See how I twisted that around? Now you’re the bad guy in this scenario. You’re swimming in your tears? Well I’m drowning in mine. See that? THAT’S how you do a tear-metaphor. You should have swam back to third grade literature class so you could have come up with a less-cliched metaphor than that. Really though -– you’re swimming in a sea of your own tears towards the shore? A shore that symbolically represents a person who is not me? Please. Snapple fact: Every person who has ever fallen in true love has died of suicide. True love is like suicide because after you’ve been a total jerk to someone that you apparently love for like, many years or something, inevitably your heart will fall out of your body as that person finally and justifiably decides to leave you. I heard that freakin’ thing rolling all over my new Brazilian hardwood floors, and I was like, “Well, guess the bitch is leaving…again.” Your suitcase did not like, literally, say goodbye. Today we continue our randomly strung-together series breaking down "classic" songs that I am reminded of when I hear them somewhere and suddenly come to the realization that, "Wow, that song is stupid." Featured here is Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You." I left out a few lines and the mercilessly repeated chorus.
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